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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella
by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella
by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"


3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"


4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"


6. "Did he kill you?"


7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"


10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"


11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"


12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went o

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid
eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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